“ I love you ”

Through some kind of unexplained sibling telepathy, I knew something was wrong when I read this final text message from my younger brother. My stomach sank from the weight of my dread that increased as phone call after phone call remained unanswered.

I have heard there are seven stages of grief, but after losing a loved one to suicide, I can confidently say that the final stage of acceptance isn’t something I’ll ever reach. I will always wonder what could have been done or what could have been said to alter the path he chose to take. I will always look back at his seventeen years of life and attempt to analyze his actions, his words, and his behavior, looking for some kind of sign that could have prevented this from happening.

I will never know all of the reasons that caused him to end his life. I do know he never felt like he was capable or that he would amount to much of anything. He had expressed this in messages that, admittedly, did not seem associated with anything other than “typical” teenage insecurities and thoughts to me. If I had called him that morning and told him he mattered or that he WAS capable of so many wonderful things, would the outcome be different?

While time does reduce the number of tears that fall, there has yet to be a day that passes in these four years that I’m not reminded of him in some way.

If I had to summarize what his tragic passing has taught me, it would be:

1. To have patience with others. Have patience with the representative who appears to be rude or inept. Have patience with the friend who hasn’t been able to commit to a date or even a conversation. Every single person is battling something within, and a kind approach from a stranger or friend could be so incredibly significant.

2. Our words (or lack thereof) make an impact. A small greeting or acknowledgement could be all someone needs to crawl out of a depressive episode, and a “trivial”negative comment may have detrimental consequences.

3. Reach out to those you haven’t heard from in a while, but also reach out when you are the one in need. There is no shame in admitting when you are suffering. You are not a burden to others when you express your anxieties.

Loss from suicide is incomprehensible. I will never revert to the person I was before the loss of my brother, but what I’ve always hoped is to be able to turn my loss into a story of survival for others.

You are not defined by your perceived flaws.

Your life matters.

You are so loved ❤️!

Hannah Vallow - Founder of Project Caleb

 ** If you or anyone you know have suicidal thoughts, please use the resource links below or contact Amy through her IFTS website contact page.

Help is all around and you are definitely not alone!